i who have never known men

and my thoughts on it (the book and the idea)

i get most of my book recommendations from tik toks

then i simply open my libby app to see if the book is available in audio format

if it is, i add it to my library or put a hold on it

this way, i rarely know more than the book’s title and author

and i like it that way

going into it blind

that way it’s always a surprise

i cannot seem to tolerate spoilers

right now i have about 5-6 audiobooks on hold, waiting to be experienced

a few i have already begun, though i typically like to read one at a time

at the atlanta airport two days ago i noticed one of my holds is about to elapse

there were 15 people waiting on this book

which means it is in high demand and i’d likely have to rejoin a long queue

for this reason, i decided no bad parts and the parable of the sewer can wait a little longer

on my first of three flights i started i who have never known men

and i finished it before landing in marrakesh, like 20 hours later

i knew nothing of this book when i started it

i gathered from the title that it must have something to do with feminism

many of the books recommended to me do

but it was much different than what i initially thought

*spoilers if you plan to read this book

nothing was clean cut

the men were her captors and punishers

but the men were also sort of controlled

and then you later find out that some men were prisoners as well

i guess this is to show men, too, can be victims under patriarchy

something i didn’t realize until the book’s end is that i was always on edge for the unnamed protagonist

i was always wanting her to look over her shoulder

i anticipated danger on every page

someone would show up

someone would take her

someone would rape her

someone would steal from her

someone would recapture her

but it wasn’t someone

it was some man, or men

because she had already lived with women

and why would any of them harm her

it actually sounds kind of silly

the women lived in community

they each contributed in their own way

the able bodied would fetch things and construct living quarters

others would cook

others would gather

others would heal

and so forth

because women live in circles

the matriarchy is a circle

horizontal relationships, not linear

nobody is at the top, because there is no top

i think i’ve written about this before

but when i was in colombia earlier this year, i joined a group of mostly strangers for a birthday celebration

eight women and two children from several different countries and with various mother tongues all came together to celebrate one

some arrived early, some were late, nobody minded the time

when we walked to the beach some walked fast, others slow

each woman brought her own food to share

something delicious, and homemade

(except for me, who brought store bought cookies and crisps)

we naturally sat in a circle, so everyone was seen

we took turns speaking

we laughed and shared crafts

no one spoke over another

no one mocked or belittled

no one made others feel small in order to feel big

everyone just existed as they are

we laughed

and ate

and told stories

and sang

and took care of the children

who were so free, by the way

to just play and be silly and explore

they had all they needed, and when they required help it was given to them by any of the women

we all looked out

everyone was considered

everyone was cared for

no matter your race, religion, body shape, language, marital status or anything

it was such a beautiful day

and i only sort of knew the birthday girl

everyone else was a complete stranger

and i was treated all the same

this, for me, painted a beautiful portrait of how a matriarchy would look

it is a little sad how difficult it is to even fathom such a reality

but now that i’ve seen it, i cannot unsee it

i know it can exist

but the patriarchy has been our operating system for so long

it runs deep

it bleeds into how we dress

how we speak (read the book Wordslut !)

how we emote

how we perceive and value men, women, and nonbinary people

and every other aspect of life (not an exaggeration, it’s all connected)

and sadly, changing our verbiage from “hey guys” to “hey y’all” won’t solve the underlying problem

i mean yes, treating symptoms certainly offers relief

but it doesn’t cure the core issue

and to do that

to dismantle the patriarchy altogther

is a giant feat i cannot begin comprehend

i think, like any great change, perhaps it should start small

little circles

little communities

and see how it grows from there

but just like you can’t solve problems caused by capitalism while operating under a capitalistic regime

you cannot achieve real human equality under patriarchy

because its roots are ultimately hierarchical

it demands oppression

and in reality, it will take time to achieve

because say a group of women discovered an island and decided then and there to live and operate under a matriarchy

our internalized sexism and misogyny would inevitably bleed into aspects of this new society

it might take several generations of practicing real circle-ism before ever seeing what a true matriarchy looks like

and since i doubt there are any new islands to be discovered, there really isn’t a way for us to operate 100% outside of patriarchy

just like no country can truly operate outside of capitalism while depending on trade, technological innovation, and global financial systems that operate under capitalism

it seeps into everything

i who have never known men made me think of what it would be like to have no preconceptions of men or society at all

who would we be

and how would we act

i’m writing this on my first full day in morocco

and with traveling there is always some level of anxiety and uncertainty

here, specifically, i have heard lots of stories of women being followed, cat called, and harassed

while writing this, a woman staying in the same room as me told me how she was followed again today just as she had been multiple times the day before

she was dressed modestly and has the same skin tone as the locals

yet because she was a woman, some man felt free to stalk and harass her until she made up a fake name for him to find on facebook

this is our reality every day

not always being followed

but always having to be aware of our surroundings

worrying about how we dress

worrying about how we come off

worrying who might be attracted to us or want to harm us

it never ends

i stopped for a moment to reimagine my day today with no men present

the first thing i did was let out a long exhale and relax my shoulders

i could casually stroll and take my time

i wouldn’t always be looking over my shoulder or in my periphery

i wouldn’t have to follow behind a woman to know a route was safe

i wouldn’t have to make sure every inch of my skin was covered in 100-degree heat

i wouldn’t have to constantly ignore men calling out to me

i could stroll

and shop

and engage

and eat

and enjoy my time without my heart racing

i know it isn’t all men

and if you’re a man, i want to ask you to analyze how reading this made you feel

were you defensive or angry, feeling called out or criticized

were you sad for me, the woman in my hostel and so many more

were you upset with men for behaving this way

were you in denial of our lived experiences

maybe some of each?

i say men as a generalization

if i am not describing your behavior, then i am not talking about you

and you can leave it at that

i’m sorry we have to generalize you, i don’t like women being generalized either

or even affirming the binary at all

but the reality is, if i were bitten by hundreds of dogs over the course of my life

i would fear every dog

and until i’ve been shown that a dog doesn’t bite, i will be weary around it

and not even that is an iron-clad defense

because statistically speaking, the men most likely to harm women know them

they are married to them

in relationships with them

daughters to them

and every single woman i know has more stories than she has fingers

i guess i’ve gotten a little off topic

but i’m just following the thread in my mind

thanks for unraveling it with me

if you don’t believe me or if this stirred up a lot of emotions in you, i have some great book recommendations

or if you do believe me and want to learn more, these are for you too

really, everyone should read these books

and here they are:

• Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez

• Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly

• Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall

• All in Her Head by Elizabeth Comen

• Wordslut by Amanda Montell

• A Room of One’s own by Virginia Woolf

• Loud by Drew Afualo

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